Guessing

Is it wrong to keep the guy guessing I wondered to myself as I sat on my bed late one night

I came up with the answer mostly no and a lil yes depending on the extent of mystery your exuding lol

In the case I was thinking about with the guy I was making guess and trying to figure my inner workings out it was a totally plausible game plan as far as I am concerned

Reason one a lil too clingy so it created a little bit of space for me

Reason two I wasn't sure if I wanted to delve into a relationship so again more space less attachment

Reason three when a guy likes you and can't completely read you it keep mystery and a veil about you which is exciting because they never fully know with you

I could keep going with the reasons why it's good but now for the reasons why it can sometimes be bad

Reason one you could make the guy feel unwanted which is never good you don't want to hurt his feelings

Reason two he could become bored and think your playing games treating him like a yo-yo and then you lose your Mr. or have a possible confrontation which is never good

So you really have to feel out the guy and the situation and choose carefully the amount of guessing you want him to do and really think about the reason you want your guy to be guess like:

-your bored so you wanna play with his emotions(that's a no go)

-your wanting to test how much he likes you(not the best reason but if he's made you doubt his caring maybe a lil guessing to see if he's interested in figuring you out still is ok if careful about it)

-if he's clingy and you change things up like per-say don't let him sleepover two nights in a row(totally fine in my book)

My situation I had to keep our pattern ever changing just so things didn't get too deep to fast

I thought about explaining that I needed time to think about everything but in the past guys have not liked that at all and my friend told me in what I said the guys pretty much heard I want to keep you on the back burner until I know someone better isn't gonna show up

So this time I just made a little bit of mystery about myself and intentions instead of being and open book and honest and have the guy translate what I said into something so far from what I meant

Love

So lethal and yet so passionate
You trample and breakdown the strong and weak alike
You leave us scarred and untrusting left to wander in our pain
You bring on so many sleepless and drunken nights
You embrace us and leave us in anger and sadness
You leave us wanting and needing but still we remain empty handed
You give us burrowing self doubt and crush our hopes
There are two very different sides to you and both come and go freely
You are unpredictable to many and unattainable to many

Why so serious........

Sharing a bottle of wine with one of my long time friends I catch her staring at me for a long time without blinking
So I ask her what's on her mind and she says well....... YOU!
So i'm like ya what about me has you pondering while I finish this bottle all by myself
She looks at me temporarily sobering up and wide eyed and say's "your too damn serious!"
So then I go into one of my self analyzing moments that tend to drag on far too long
And I snap out of it to her waving her hand in front of my face, she's like see your too damn serious
I tell her not all the time and M's like 90% of the time it's like life has broken you, your not how you use to be
An truth be told i'm not how I use to be if you were to go back 5 years ago you wouldn't reconize me or be able to make sense of how she morphed into me...
So I asked M what in life do you think changed me or rather grinded me into who I am now
M responds simple answer: attachment abuse lies heartache or another words: Men!
I was like all that does have something to do with who I am now but that can't be it there's more don't you think? M's like lets see I want you to write down a list of songs that relate to how you feel something you might put on a playlist So I hunted down a scrap of paper and a pen and thought for a few minutes and this is what I came up with
1.E.S.T. White lies
2.Cry for love Iggy Pop
3.Above and below The Bravery
4.Early Winter Gwen Stefani
5.Hurt NIN
6.Carry my body down Nick 13
7.For the restless Tom Mcrae
8.Sleep Dandy Warhols
9.More than this The Cure
10.Wrong Depeche Mode
11.Wash Away Joe Purdy
12.We are nowhere and it's now Bright Eyes

She's Like look at this all fucking depressing shit about hating your life and bad relationships
Then she's like ok besides the beginnings of your past relationships when was the last time you felt truely happy and relaxed and not so fucking serious?
5 or so minutes pass.......
I was like about 5 1/2 years ago
She's like ok what happened in your life 5 1/2 years ago that changed things?
...... a relationship, my first serious relationship
M's like there you fucking go Men and bad relationship's have been the Chupacabra that have sucked the fucking life outta you!
After laughing about the Chupacabra analogy I ask her what do you purpose I do to save my remaining life juice?
M's response become monk like and swear off sex and all human contact besides lively conversations with your crazy ass friends over a bottle of wine....
Oh really I say and what the fuck do you think i've been doing the past few month's obviously if you think i've been having sex and "physical" contact it must have been while sleeping
M's like well damn hmmm...... since you've tried that well maybe fuck it I don't know grab another bottle and crack it open!
So thus end's my friends drunken half cocked Dr.Phil analysis of me and my issues left without a diagnosis lol

Bound to nothingness

Bound tight with longing
By silken cords of desire

Burning emotions chain and bind her
Wrapped around her
A slave of love always unrequited

She wakes to the cold emptiness
She bends her will to try to forget

She softly calls out to what is never there
Cold damp chills of loneliness circle about
She beckons to the vast nothing

She’s left bound and longing for what is never there
She’s left longing for what will never be there

It is

Love is
a myth
a mirage
a cage of torture
a way to cripple one's self
something that can bring even the strongest person on there knees
Love is something I wish away
something I will hide from
Love is something I wish to purge from my soul and wash from my body
Love is the most violent and despicable disease
Love has no cure, no weakness
Once infected
always weak
always open to pain
always
Love is always no matter what
love is a curse that can't be lifted it's just always

Carelessly Tormented

I feel the collapse I feel the downfall the struggle that rages all tangled up on the inside.
All tearing me up on the inside I feel the destruction and the severity of it all.
I tear at everything ripping it all to pieces leaving nothing left but the broken.
I claw at anything to stop this downfall.
I felt it all grasping and choking me tightly I feel the numbness and welcome it.
Letting go and falling back into the blank grayness.
Letting the dust and cobwebs scatter about this broken heart of mine
I let these useless emotions crackle and breakdown into nothingness.
I’m cascading into a swirl of negative emotions that have burdened and surrounded my presence.
I look into the ravaged darkness that reflects my carelessly tormented heart and just release myself to it‘s darkness.

Bared

Bare your eyes but hide your soul
Spread the weakness like the cancerous disappointment embedded upon your path
Watch the tears melt into your hidden places
Flowing and flowing yet gone in a second
Never more seen but always felt burning deep