Why so serious........

Sharing a bottle of wine with one of my long time friends I catch her staring at me for a long time without blinking
So I ask her what's on her mind and she says well....... YOU!
So i'm like ya what about me has you pondering while I finish this bottle all by myself
She looks at me temporarily sobering up and wide eyed and say's "your too damn serious!"
So then I go into one of my self analyzing moments that tend to drag on far too long
And I snap out of it to her waving her hand in front of my face, she's like see your too damn serious
I tell her not all the time and M's like 90% of the time it's like life has broken you, your not how you use to be
An truth be told i'm not how I use to be if you were to go back 5 years ago you wouldn't reconize me or be able to make sense of how she morphed into me...
So I asked M what in life do you think changed me or rather grinded me into who I am now
M responds simple answer: attachment abuse lies heartache or another words: Men!
I was like all that does have something to do with who I am now but that can't be it there's more don't you think? M's like lets see I want you to write down a list of songs that relate to how you feel something you might put on a playlist So I hunted down a scrap of paper and a pen and thought for a few minutes and this is what I came up with
1.E.S.T. White lies
2.Cry for love Iggy Pop
3.Above and below The Bravery
4.Early Winter Gwen Stefani
5.Hurt NIN
6.Carry my body down Nick 13
7.For the restless Tom Mcrae
8.Sleep Dandy Warhols
9.More than this The Cure
10.Wrong Depeche Mode
11.Wash Away Joe Purdy
12.We are nowhere and it's now Bright Eyes

She's Like look at this all fucking depressing shit about hating your life and bad relationships
Then she's like ok besides the beginnings of your past relationships when was the last time you felt truely happy and relaxed and not so fucking serious?
5 or so minutes pass.......
I was like about 5 1/2 years ago
She's like ok what happened in your life 5 1/2 years ago that changed things?
...... a relationship, my first serious relationship
M's like there you fucking go Men and bad relationship's have been the Chupacabra that have sucked the fucking life outta you!
After laughing about the Chupacabra analogy I ask her what do you purpose I do to save my remaining life juice?
M's response become monk like and swear off sex and all human contact besides lively conversations with your crazy ass friends over a bottle of wine....
Oh really I say and what the fuck do you think i've been doing the past few month's obviously if you think i've been having sex and "physical" contact it must have been while sleeping
M's like well damn hmmm...... since you've tried that well maybe fuck it I don't know grab another bottle and crack it open!
So thus end's my friends drunken half cocked Dr.Phil analysis of me and my issues left without a diagnosis lol

Bound to nothingness

Bound tight with longing
By silken cords of desire

Burning emotions chain and bind her
Wrapped around her
A slave of love always unrequited

She wakes to the cold emptiness
She bends her will to try to forget

She softly calls out to what is never there
Cold damp chills of loneliness circle about
She beckons to the vast nothing

She’s left bound and longing for what is never there
She’s left longing for what will never be there

It is

Love is
a myth
a mirage
a cage of torture
a way to cripple one's self
something that can bring even the strongest person on there knees
Love is something I wish away
something I will hide from
Love is something I wish to purge from my soul and wash from my body
Love is the most violent and despicable disease
Love has no cure, no weakness
Once infected
always weak
always open to pain
always
Love is always no matter what
love is a curse that can't be lifted it's just always

Carelessly Tormented

I feel the collapse I feel the downfall the struggle that rages all tangled up on the inside.
All tearing me up on the inside I feel the destruction and the severity of it all.
I tear at everything ripping it all to pieces leaving nothing left but the broken.
I claw at anything to stop this downfall.
I felt it all grasping and choking me tightly I feel the numbness and welcome it.
Letting go and falling back into the blank grayness.
Letting the dust and cobwebs scatter about this broken heart of mine
I let these useless emotions crackle and breakdown into nothingness.
I’m cascading into a swirl of negative emotions that have burdened and surrounded my presence.
I look into the ravaged darkness that reflects my carelessly tormented heart and just release myself to it‘s darkness.

Bared

Bare your eyes but hide your soul
Spread the weakness like the cancerous disappointment embedded upon your path
Watch the tears melt into your hidden places
Flowing and flowing yet gone in a second
Never more seen but always felt burning deep

Pieces

I push it all away left quiet and alone

Lost in thoughts far too deep for a safe escape

Frightened by what will become of what has already became

Cobwebs in the corners and dust under the rug

Flames shadows burned forever more in the darkness cast up the walls

Nightmares dance upon the broken wishes that lay scattered in the wind

Skeletons frail decrepitating long forgotten rattle upon the cold night’s chill

Tears washed down upon the reflections of what once was

Night never escaping the rain of the cold October’s eve

Lost and scattered forgotten and broken

Once more alone forever more

Little angel just self destructs

She does it to herself she just did it to herself again never know why she does this time and time again.
There’s just something wrong with her, self destruct cut the flesh let it go fade away.
What is wrong with her she just says nothing and keep it all inside.
she feel as though she needs to leave and check out, just let it go and self destruct again.
Somebody just put her out of this misery she’ll never know when this will end somebody just end this.
Never know how she feels, never know what to do, she’ll never know all that she destroys now self destruct.
Just self destruct cut the flesh fade away give in.
she feels as if she is running from all that she has become never know if it was all just her fault.
Never know if she will deserve all that she receives broken down beat down runaway let it go.
Wingless angel self destructs daily cuts herself deeply and prays to no one, faith lost with the wings she never had.
Self worth pawned long ago with that crooked halo of hers.
Thorns adorn her cuts poison seeping out those weeping eyes leaving black stains down her porcelain skin .
Faith no more, lost when those imaginary wings were lost, lost when that innocence faded along with her smile.
She self destructs she cuts the flesh now she just lets go and she’s fading away unnoticed.
She looks up at the sky screaming go to hell I’m better off with out you better off without your empty promises.
How could you deceive me, all is well being lost without you.
You sold me out I always thought I could trust you.
Wingless angel self destructs daily, cuts herself deeply and prays to no one, faith lost with those wings she never had.
Scrub those stains away but tarnished you’ll always be let the poison seep scrub those stains once again.
Stains lie like badges on her porcelain skin representing the self destruction and her faith no more.
Little fallen angel wingless forever more, self destructs daily and cuts herself deeply prays to no one faith lost with those wings she never had.
Little angel just self destructs.

Velvet

Here I lie on my back staring up at the night sky, thinking of disappearing into it all.
I let the cold night air embrace me as it sends shivers up an down my spine.
This mysterious darkness comes alive in me on nights like this.
The urge to lie here till time ends, envelopes my thoughts.
A star glittering in the sky suddenly erases this nights entire being.
Now I am reborn out of this velvet trance.

Black hole

I find myself so utterly depressed.
I feel like I am spinning around in circles and only darkness and echoes are surrounding me.
I feel like my next breath is a hopeless and worthless attempt at life.
I just need to accomplish one thing on my list just one thing and I feel like things will lighten up a bit.
I just find it impossible to accomplish anything no matter how hard I try.
Everything on my list ties into each other so with out one thing accomplished nothing else will be accomplished.
I feel so ridiculous that i'm struggling so much at this age with such simple things.
The sad part is I have nowhere to look for help.
The one person that would help doesn't have the means to.
An the one that promises never fallows through and I can't do it on my own I have tried.

I am just so lost and and sinking into the darkness further and further.
I need to reach out and grab hold of a rope soon or I think I might just give up all together.
I know I sound overly dramatic and emo but it's become very overwhelming with everything.
I have tried to keep as positive as I can about everything.
Simply because what you put out into the universe comes back threefold and everything but it's very hard.
I've been struggling here for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel and i'm scared that my tunnels finally caving in.
I just need a break just one small break one good thing to get me close enough to my goals to lift some negativity off.

Rush Much?

It's kind of strange and confusing for me right now.
Most people refer to chicks as being desperate and fast when it comes to relationships.
But I've come across so many guys that have just tried to tie me down into a relationship with them.
I don't know maybe I'm the abnormal one but I think it takes more then one or two dates to decide to enter a relationship.
Truth be told I think the reason the guys are trying to make things move so fast isn't really about sex, it's about being alone.
I can appreciate getting a bit lonesome at times but i'd rather be lonely then stuck in a bad relationship again.

It's just really funny people wonder why there in unhappy relationship and there mismatched.
The big one why there partner is looking somewhere else.
Maybe it's because there unhappy with the lack of common ground and all the tension from the differances.
What do people expect when you rush into something with rose colored glasses just because there lonely or horny.
The sad part is if you want to take something slow to actually see what you might be getting into you get criticized.
At least from my experiences so far iv been told I just wasn't interested, that i'm playing games and threatened.
Seriously just from wanting to know someone better before I decide to date them.

So now I ask myself and you what happened to all the sane non-clingy excuse my language "non-bitch" like men?

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Vacant

Thoughts among the mass of confusion
Lost upon the fallen scatters of my heart
Timeless waking memories plaguing my nightly visitations from my ghostly apparitions
Carved and locked away in the flesh are my trepidations
Calloused and scarred are these hands from holding on to what has been gone far too long
Letting the flames dance upon my hem let it burn
Let me burn, burn like my tattered soul lost and gone
My ashes scattered upon the darkened horizon

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Off the subject

I really don’t understand life or people or the actions people make.
What I have strived to understand for a long time is why are we all here.
What are we meant to do or be while we exist? It seems like some people are driven by money but what’s the point in that? When your 80 years old what’s a sports car going to do for you? Then there are people that are driven by curiosity why this and if I do this what will happen? I sometimes find myself saying why and maybe if and what if? Then there are those driven by love I classify myself most with this category. I find myself driven to love and seek out love.
But life and people aren’t that easy just to be able to bring someone whole existence to love. Life is way to complicated and people are too…. well plain and simple “fucked up“. Even if you can find that one person that makes you feel like you could walk through fire and they feel the same towards you it doesn’t mean “shit”. I always thought love is it, it’s the answer everything bad will melt away with love. But then reality strikes when loves involved everything you feel is intensified the good, the bad, and the ugly. And boy have I been seeing a lot of bad and ugly lately. You know how your mom tells you when your younger you will know when you find your one and only? Well she’s not telling you it will be so obvious because your heart will lay scattered in pieces more then once by this person. And your head will be so foggy you will feel like a smoke machine went off in there. I have come to realize if you find that all magically happily ever after and it seems that perfect, there’s something there hiding under the surface. I know some people reading this are going to disagree but there is no perfect there’s always a flaw a blemish nothing is perfect “EVER”. An if you think there is such a thing as perfection sucks to be you. So maybe you should grab some Vicodin. Because when your bubble is popped the pain of reality is going to hurt a lot.
I have had multiple bubbles popped throughout my life. You would think I learn to stay out of fantasy land by now. But I guess dreamers dream, too bad dreamers sometimes evoke nightmare unknowingly. And sometimes lovers evoke heartache all while knowing it’s a big possibility from the beginning. I wonder why sometimes it feels like we have take the odds even if there not really in our favor? Is it some way we punish ourselves by going into something that doesn’t seem like a good idea to begin with? Or do we believe that we are so amazing and wonderful we can make it work no matter what stands in our way? I mean there is that person that said love conquers all I really wish sometimes I could just kick that “bastard” in the face and tell him to shut it! But were always going to have those up beat positive whispers clouding our better judgment I guess we got to pick and choose when to listen. Because I have found more so then not it is a good idea to judge a book by it’s cover. And you can’t survive on love alone unless you plan on becoming a cannibal and eating the one you love when your hungry. And I don’t know about you, but if I can’t eat veal or lamb because there too cute I am never going to be able to eat Tom, Dick or Harry!

Oubliette

Transcend my thoughts, bypass my reality
Mesmerize and confine me in this place, in this time twisting and turning spinning a spell
Everything silent and truly taboo
Insanity in this place of quiet night
Flames furiously ignite full of mystery and mayhem
Dark tress in the distance bending and waving
Lost in my mind, in this strange oubliette
With darkness creeping ever closer
Within endless dark eternally caught